i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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