My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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