I'm going to jail i love you
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
