You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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