those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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