so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
