is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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