Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
