that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
