I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
