i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
