we're chasing vodka with high fives
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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