We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
