fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
