and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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