When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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