i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
