It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
