I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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