Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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