You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
