I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
