its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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