I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
