You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
