Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
