first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
