I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
