dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
