I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
