Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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