You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
