At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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