she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
