loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
