oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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