oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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