I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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