I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
