sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Help. Why am I so naked?
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