I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
