Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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