maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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