At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
