I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
