I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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