I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
