I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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