I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
