That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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